Sharing in school:How much is too much?
My daughter, a second grader, seems to have problems with saying no. She shares almost everything she has with her classmates - her “baon” (either money or snacks I prepared for her), paper, crayons, and pencils. Often, she ends up with just a tiny bit of food for snacks because her classmates eat up much of it. I also buy her school supplies more often than necessary because her classmates have the habit of owning her stuff after “borrowing” them.
Just how much is too much? I consider it too much when force and intimidation (bullying) come into play, or when her things are “borrowed” but were never returned despite my daughter’s insistence. It’s too much when some school supplies are stolen and when her packed food for recess is mostly consumed by other kids but her.
If there’s one thing that I observe, it’s that my daughter doesn’t look bullied. I even hear her classmates chant her name when she enters the classroom. I get to wonder, is this one of the reasons why she seems popular in school? Because she’s known for sharing? Or that she doesn’t seem to get upset when her things end up with her classmates for keeps? She’s always excited to go to school everyday and her grades are high too. She tells me that at least two of her male classmates ask for her “baon” everyday even if they have their own food. But she says it’s fine with her. She even struck me once when she asked me upfront “Why, mom? Is it bad to share?” No it isn’t. But I’m afraid she’s getting close to getting abused. Or am I just being paranoid? If it’s fine with my daughter, should it be fine with me too?
While I’m glad that she loves to share, I’m quite concerned that perhaps she’s being too nice, she doesn’t leave much for herself. It’s not about the amount of school supplies lost or unreturned. It’s about “What is given is given but what is borrowed is borrowed and should be returned.”
I often talk to my daughter’s teacher about her performance and behavior in school but I never told her about the one-way “sharing” going on inside her classroom. I guess this time I have to.
Posted in Family and Parenting
July 9th, 2009 7:07 pm
Good Morning
You may want to try a very subtle approach. Talk to her about doing some borrowing of her own. If she needs a pencil borrow one. Make sure you give it back. The food thing is interesting. You might want to talk to her about trading. The other kids might like hers better. There doesn’t seem to be bullying here. More of a manipulation thing. If they are using her, she will find out by reversing the roles. Let her do some borrowing. Just my opinion of course.
Hope all goes well.
July 10th, 2009 7:34 am
Grampy - I knew I could count on your wisdom. That’s a great idea, i”ll try it grampy. thanks a lot!
July 11th, 2009 3:46 am
I’m not a mom but I worked with children for more than 5 years. I think you just need to let her be—because that is her “personality.” She learned one good thing and it’s up to her to find out if she was manipulated or not or being abused or not. I used to be like that in school. But when I learned in my young mind that my classmates were taking advantage of my generosity, I fought back. There I vowed never to let them take advantage of my being “nice.” All you need to do is to remind her and teach her that she should learn to say “no” sometimes and that she should politely ask her things back from her classmates.
Because I think if you try to prevent her from being who she is, she might question you of all the values you instilled her that made her the person she is. I think the role of parents should be always to “guide, direct and lead” but not to replace her personality with what you think is the “right” personality.
She is an intelligent child and later on she will discover herself that she can say YES and NO and she has that privilege.
July 11th, 2009 4:00 am
Thanks, Bingkee. i appreciate your point. =)